By Mary Abbott
Increasingly, the EOLCCA Bereavement Program is receiving requests for support around ‘anticipatory grief.’ From those receiving a diagnosis, to loved ones, to hospice social workers, the public is reaching for answers and help. The need appears to be so widespread, that we feel it’s time to develop resources to address the need. What is anticipatory grief and can it be addressed?
Often difficult feelings arise with the immediate diagnosis of a loved one. Triggered by fear of the outcome of the disease, you have to contend with vast unknowns, including the possibility of your loved one’s suffering. You might also have a creeping sense of cultural shame about the illness or possibly choosing Medical Aid in Dying, and finally, the racking feeling of knowing that you are going to lose someone very important to your life. While working through the accompanying emotions, you also have practicalities to attend to, appointments to schedule, and a shift in daily routines. This is a lot to manage. Often what happens is a pivot away from the emotional, which can feel abysmal, to a focus on the practical, which may be more familiar and comfortable.
Optimally, if you’re experiencing anticipatory grief, you will navigate the practical side of things along with the unknown emotional territory. Much like turning around in a nightmare to face the predator, taking a look at how life will be changing through each phase of the illness, whether it is you or a loved one, will help you gain control of overwhelming feelings. How am I going to leave them behind? Will I suffer? Who will be there to take care of me? How can I make decisions when I have so little capacity?
How am I going to leave them behind? Will I suffer? Who will be there to take care of me? How can I make decisions when I have so little capacity?
And for the ones left behind: How will my life adapt to this loss going forward? It can be helpful to imagine these things, and make a space for impending loss. Making a space for a loss may involve many internal reminders over time as you get used to an idea that was unimaginable just a short time ago.
As always, gratitude for the precious moments that are left goes a long way towards comfort. There might be awarenesses such as “this is the last time we will ever…” and those moments can be savored. Expect to cycle through a range of emotions such as disbelief, anger, guilt, sadness, and fear. These are all typical emotional responses to a dark unknown.
There are some positives to consider. It could be beneficial to view anticipatory grief as a coping mechanism, one to be embraced rather than avoided. It can be a transitional time to come to grips with unexpected news. A suite of jumbled emotions can also be preparatory for the inevitable loss, smoothing a way out of potential shock. Anticipatory grief may be a motivating factor in resolving long unfinished business.
It’s important to acknowledge your feelings, let trusted friends and family know what you are coping with, and take care of yourself as best you can. Things will get better, the shock will eventually become more contained, and grief will ultimately evolve into new ways of living with loss.
Learn more
To learn more about our Bereavement Program, please visit the bereavement program page.
About the author: Mary Abbott is a presenter, attends days of death, and co-facilitates EOLCCA’s bereavement group. She also helps out behind the scenes on administrative work. She has a long history of non-profit work experience, is a collage artist and an outdoorswoman. She lives in Sonoma and Sierra counties.