Mayflies: Lessons Learned in Death

By Stewart Florsheim

What happens when two best friends from working-class Scotland reunite after 30 years, because one of them has a terminal disease and wants his friend to “help him?”

While they’re growing up, James and Tully are inseparable, with a friendship based on music, films, alcohol, and rebellion. Even though their lives go in very different directions, they share a lasting bond based on their trust, values, and lived experiences. As it turns out, they also share the same understanding about mortality.

Understanding, Patience, Transparency

Mayflies is an autobiographical novel by Andrew O’Hagan that came out in 2021, and was later made into a two-part BBC series. (Note: the series is currently streaming on Acorn TV.) While the focus is on the inviolability and responsibilities of close friendship–in this case, a friendship between two men–the context raises other matters as well. Tully has decided that he wants to die with dignity before he experiences the inevitable suffering from cancer. While James ends up supporting his wishes to take him to Switzerland to end his life, Tully’s wife does not. (Note: medical aid in dying is still not legal in the UK.) Instead of trying to help his wife come to terms with his wishes, Tully relies almost entirely on his best friend.

While relationships between friends and spouses are understandably different, with different issues at stake, they both require understanding, patience, and transparency. Good, honest communication is central to the health of all relationships. Even though Tully’s wife ultimately accompanies her husband to Zurich, along with James and his wife, she never quite accepts or understands why he wants to take the life-ending medication.

A Dialogue with Loved Ones

This beautiful, insightful story is not unusual. At End of Life Choices California, we often see friends and family members who have trouble coming to terms with or who do not agree with the wishes of their loved ones. We encourage everyone to talk to their friends, family, doctors, and caretakers about their end-of-life wishes early on, before there is a crisis. The communication needs to be open and direct, with an understanding that all parties will bring different values and concerns to the conversation. Completing and discussing an advance directive is an excellent way to articulate one’s wishes, and facilitate a dialogue with loved ones.

What are your plans this Thanksgiving? If you haven’t already done so, it could be a good time to have the conversation. Death is often the elephant–in this case, the big, fat turkey–in the room.

Stewart Florsheim serves on the Board of Directors of End of Life Choices California. He has been an activist and leader in the end-of-life choice movement in California since 2003. He was deeply involved in the effort to successfully pass the California End of Life Option Act in 2015. Stewart has given many presentations on end-of-life choice, including on radio and TV. Stewart is also a poet and non-fiction writer. You can find out more about his work on his website.

EOLCCA supports a strong team of experienced volunteers throughout the state, ready to help anyone, anywhere in California with information and support regarding all end-of-life planning and choices, including aid in dying through the California End of Life Option Act. You can find comprehensive information on our user-friendly website. To support our work, or request an educational presentation, please visit www.endoflifechoicesca.org/ways-to-help/. Thank you.